A Story About Self Worth:

Last week began as a normal, uneventful week.  By the time it ended I was ready to escape from the City as fast as possible.  I didn’t expect to throw down an ultimatum at work that would propel me into a series of meetings with the top executives of my office, but that’s exactly what happened. 

It all began on Tuesday when I innocently enough ask my boss about the status of my move from temporary employee status to permanent employee status.  This transition had been discussed and categorized a “priority” by management about 6 months after I started my job.  I was now 3 ½ years into my position, and rather than being moved into the new status, management renewed my contract for another 3 years. 

The Calm Realization:

You see, something I realized a couple weeks ago was that my office needed me more than I needed them.  The freedom that came along with this realization may have made me go a little crazy with power!  So, when my boss told me he couldn’t give me a timeline for my transition to permanent status, rather than continuing to sit and wait I went to HR and asked them what the timeline was.

You know what you should never tell someone who has waited 3 years for their position to be adjusted?  You should never tell them that they should be patient.  You should also never tell them that their priority position change was being reprioritized among other priorities (and not just because it’s a tongue twister).  Finally, you shouldn’t tell them that they’re “as valued as anyone at the office.”  Needless to say, this was HR’s response to me.

The Anger Sets In:

While the “patience” statement rubbed me the wrong way and felt both condescending and misogynistic (c’mon lil lady, just wait and we’ll get around to you), the proclamation that I was as valued as anyone in the office was legitimately, factually incorrect.  I am in an unusually critical position at my office, and if I were to leave things would not just be delayed, my office would be in a horrible place, unable to manage cases or report on statistics. 

With my new-found empowerment and the understanding of the critical nature of my job, I threw down an ultimatum.  Some might say I leaned in.  I think I sort of shoved my foot in the door and said, “I dare you to close this on me.”  

I sent an email to my boss and HR explaining that the response I received to my inquiry was disappointing and unacceptable, and that I was going to need to consider taking my skills elsewhere.  Rather than simply accepting a new permanent position, I was now asking for a raise and promotion.  I figured I’d go big or go home.

This set off a firestorm of activity, escalating up the chain to our CFO who pulled me into his office to reassure me of my value.  While that was lovely to hear, I told him I needed to see action rather than be reassured of a value I already know I have.  Of course, I said it in a more diplomatic way than that, but the overall message was the same.

The Anxiety Sets In:

As this part of the story played out behind doors between the executives, I went home and started to seriously freak out about what I’d just done.  I stood up to authority!  I’d known my value and leveraged it.  I’d taken up space!  This may seem like no big deal but for me it’s huge!   Standing up to authority and standing my ground despite being told to sit and wait was something that was unacceptable in my childhood.  There was no questioning of authority, which is a lesson I had, unfortunately, carried with me throughout my life. 

Flash forward to today.  While in the moment I felt powerful and filled with purpose,  afterwards I began to doubt my worth and question whether I had just totally annihilated my career.  

Conveniently enough, this was also fleet week in San Francisco, so while internally my body was vibrating with anxiety, externally my body was vibrating from the power of jet engines as the Blue Angels flew over my house.  There was a true feeling of “the sky is falling” in both a literal and metaphorical sense. 

Time For Self-Care:

I had no idea how this was going to play out.  Despite this, my brain couldn’t help but try and predict every possible scenario over and over and over.  The noise in my head was unusually aligned with the noise surrounding me of helicopters and jets.

So, as I left work on Thursday night, knowing I had a 4-day weekend ahead of me, I packed up my car and headed out of town.  I didn’t have a firm plan in place, I just knew a region I wanted to go to and that I wanted to camp. 

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Rocky Rest Campground:

With my trusty canine companion (Dingo), my Tepui rooftop tent and a powerful desire to get away from the noise of the City and the military, I headed to the Tahoe National Forest.  As if the universe was guiding me to the perfect location, I ended up at the Rocky Rest campground.  The campground was closed for the season, but all that meant was that there were no water or trash services.  The sites were still open and available for use. Even better, because it was technically closed, the campground was nearly empty and the sites were free.

I felt like I had found a secret spot, off the highway and nestled up against the emerald pools of the Yuba River.  Across a bridge from my site was the 7.5-mile Yuba Trail that followed the river as it wound through the canyon. 

The Yuba Trail:

As we (Dingo and I) hiked down the trail we didn’t encounter a single person.  Periodically we’d catch a glimpse of a gold panner searching for their fortune in the Yuba.  

There was something very old timey about these moments.  As if we had walked back in time.  Back when the mountains were all but empty, except for the occasional prospector and a few bears.  

After a few miles we cut down to the river and took a swim.  The water was crystal clear and about as cold as you’d expect from snowmelt, but that didn’t stop either Dingo or I from getting in.  

To be fair, Dingo got in much deeper than I did.

The Calm:

After a long day of hiking, we went back to the camp site and cooked some Dutch Oven pizza.  It’s become a bit of a tradition for me while camping.  At least one night has to be pizza night. 

As the pizza cooked and Dingo rested after her long day of hiking and swimming, I was able to catch up on some reading I hadn’t done since my last camping trip. 

I found my mind no longer focusing on the outcome of my job, and instead soaking up the fresh air and quiet of the forest.  I was reminded of the “end game,” which is not to be in a desk job for the next few years.  The end game is to be on the open road experiencing the world and all of its noise and quiet as I encounter it.  Letting the noise blow past me and the quiet soak into me.

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The Return to Work:

As I returned to work on Tuesday after my long weekend getting re-centered I found myself calm and focused.  My boss, the CIO, pulled me into his office to talk.  It had been a long weekend for him, negotiating with the executives about how to proceed after my ultimatum. 

I was prepared for pretty much any response, but was, in the end, fine with whatever happened.  If I got my promotion I’d feel valued and appreciated and would need to determine how that might impact my long-term travel planning.  If I didn’t get my promotion, I’d simply stick with my existing plan to head out next summer after the conclusion of the coding bootcamp.

I reiterated to my boss what I wanted.  If I was to stay an IT project manager I wanted to be moved into the new class of steps, essentially putting me in the most senior level project manager position the City of San Francisco offers.  If there was any intention to have me manage people, I wanted to be moved into the classification of managers.  I explained why the email from HR had been insulting, and that I needed to see my employer take steps to show me that they’re investing in me and in my career.

The Outcome:

If I’m being honest, I never read Sheryl Sandberg’s book “Lean In.”  That’s not to say I don’t fully support the premise as I understand it.  I probably should have read it before last week, but in the end, I decided to “lean in” in the only way I knew how, with focused determination and a moderate level of force. 

As a result, I am now getting paid more to do the same job I was doing and am classified at the highest level the City offers for IT Project Managers.   This change is effective immediately.

What Next?

Well, that’s the big question.  I still have the coding bootcamp scheduled to start next month.  I also am going to pick up my trailer in Wisconsin.  While I figure out how, or if, this impacts my departure timeline, I intend to continue to plan for my work break.  I will, of course, keep you up to date on the planning process. 

In case you have any doubts, don’t worry, this trip is still going to happen!  I’m determined, and as I’ve learned this week, when I put my mind to something it’s hard to stop me!

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The Moral of the Story:

Lean in, know your value, and don’t take “be patient” for an answer!